Our Gentle Parenting is Costing us Big Time
Google defines gentle parenting as a style of parenting that is peaceful, positive, empathetic, and respectful12. It focuses on building a strong parent-child connection and understanding your child’s emotions and needs2. Gentle parenting aims to create a safe and loving environment for the child to grow and develop2. It is different from more traditional or authoritarian styles of parenting1.
Depending on how you were raised, this term and definition could be brand new or maybe even considered taboo, but here in this year of new age parenting and punishment, this is a rhetoric that needs to be adapted in everyone's home, depending on who you ask.
As a mother of young ones who quite frankly have never heard of the term "gentle parenting" unless I introduced it to them, all they seem to know is a life of ease, versatility, and comfort. Now case in point this is amazing, and all children should be so lucky to experience the same upbringing, and in the year 2024 gentle parenting is all around us and we are doing away with words and phrases like "latch key kid" or "unsupervised". Simply because it is unsafe to leave your children in any other state than protected and supervised. However, the discrepancy comes in when our parents who were doing the best they could are now being referred to as the "aggressors" and the reason for this gentle parenting being shoved down our throat.
The term has been floating around pretty freely for about the last 5-7 years, seemingly being derived from data and information gathered on previous generations. With rules and regulations very explicitly outlining most millennials' EXACT upbringing, it seems as though those flies on the wall were collecting a little more than house dust.
In almost any parenting book, article, or blog on the market today you will find a very specific outline of how not to raise your kid the way you were raised, stating it can damage a child's psyche or outlook on life, leaving out any fundamental learning experiences needed to ensure a strong, level-headed independent child is sent off into the world.
THE RULES
I've compiled a list of acceptable practices and nuances to follow to keep us parents as gentle as possible. These timely treasures include, but are not limited to;
- Comment on the action, not the person. Try to separate the action from the child when you speak. ...
- Model all kinds of kindness. ...
- Swap commands for an invitation to work together. ...
- Encourage the positive action.
Empathy as a Foundation: Prioritize understanding your child's emotions and perspective, fostering a deep connection based on empathy and mutual respect.
Clear Communication: Maintain open and honest communication with your child, encouraging them to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
Positive Discipline: Emphasize positive reinforcement and guidance over punitive measures, focusing on teaching and modeling desired behaviors rather than punishment.
Consistency with Boundaries: Set clear and consistent boundaries that are age-appropriate and reasonable, ensuring your child understands the expectations while feeling secure in the structure provided.
Encourage Independence: Support your child's autonomy and decision-making abilities, allowing them to explore and learn from their experiences while offering guidance and support as needed.
Active Listening: Practice active listening by giving your full attention to your child when they speak, validating their feelings, and responding with empathy and understanding.
Respect for Individuality: Recognize and celebrate your child's unique strengths, interests, and personality traits, encouraging them to embrace their individuality and pursue their passions.
Modeling Kindness and Compassion: Be a positive role model by demonstrating kindness, compassion, and empathy in your interactions with others, teaching your child the importance of treating everyone with respect.
Mindful Parenting: Cultivate mindfulness in your parenting approach, staying present in the moment and responding to your child's needs with patience, compassion, and understanding.
Self-Care for Parents: Prioritize self-care and well-being as a parent, recognizing that taking care of yourself allows you to better care for your child and maintain a nurturing and supportive environment for their growth and development
And just like the rest of us, I was trying.
However, once I started to implement the "rules" I was raised on in my own household, something didn't feel right. It almost felt forced and not needed. And not because my kids weren't unruly or not because I had the most perfect children on earth, but because it just didn't. Not to mention the looks I would get from the other parents when I would mildly raise my voice or reprimand my child for running into the street without me or throwing rocks in the air that could realistically harm another individual. That's when I realized, I was in the era of gentle parenting, and I better fall in line before I fall behind.
I don't tell you these stories to scare you or to have you shy away from what feels right or comfortable but just as the rules of gentle parenting are set in place, my takeaways are to help you.
Our children are truly our future, and they digest everything we put into them, more than we know. Almost as shocking as when you hear your child curse for the first time, and you say to yourself, how many times have you said that when you weren't around me? Right? Same thing. When we put good stuff into our kids it really seeps out in the best way possible. You'll hear them safely breaking up fights with other kids, you'll see them welcoming in a newcomer to the playground with so much love and grace it will shock you. That's how you know, the gentle parenting is working. When I first heard my child having a dispute at the playground, I heard another child come in and use a few words that were less than favorable. That's kind of when I knew that it IS more than obvious to see how another child is being raised and treated at home. Sadly.
So what do we do? We act and we act fast! We have to implement patience and understanding daily to get over the hump of our kids finding their own autonomy. And it's going to be ok. You can't be there forever and sad to say, they won't listen to you forever. So be as gentle as you can now. Because you don't have much time.
I try to use these practices daily on every interaction with my child. Say dinner for instance. Are you constantly in a battle with your little one on the endless debate of "what's for dinner"? If you are you're not alone.
Here's what I do. I keep a calendar next to the dinner table that shows the days of the week and there is a golden star on the days they can choose dinner. Under those days I have 4 options that they can choose from and customize to make their dinner order completely individual. On those days marked with the golden star my kids know they have full control, and it offers an incentive for them to finish their dinners on the days they have their least favorite items, like vegetables. With this system in place, we see eye to eye on how the control is shared in the house and over their lives, and it keeps them on a schedule. Something we know they so desperately need.
Tonight, for instance is a free night for them. So I have pasta, fried chicken, leftovers, or Lunchables on the calendar. If my 6 year old wants fried chicken and microwave macaroni, he's more than welcome. And if the baby wants Lunchables and leftover burritos in one sitting, so shall it be. I get an easy night while still meeting their nutritional needs and they have less anxiety over dinner knowing tonight will be a home run for them.
One of the biggest things I had to learn in this journey of parenting, and all the side quests of gentle parenting is to release my control. Mel Robbins helped me a lot with that when it mattered the most. She says you have to pick your battles and know your wins. Dinner is not a win that you need to be attempting to scratch off in your book. Your job is to feed them, not force them.
Sounds much easier than it is but try it. As a parent we want to give our kids all the nutrients we can before they get their own money and discover quick stops. Personally to still count my wins, I sneak in veggies wherever I can. Like tonight. If my little one chooses pasta and that pasta happens to be, oh say, lasagna, you can slam a fistful of peppers and onions in the meat sauce and the kids will be none the wiser. I've even shared the recipe below for my ladies that would love a change of pace tonight from expensive fast-food visits or screaming matches with tired toddlers.
All in all, I'm not telling you to relinquish your rights or loosen the reigns completely. Just, ease up a little and try to steer the conversation in their direction in the meantime. It may feel a little different at first but change only comes with practice. Letting your child run the show definitely isn't the way, but being a tyrant isn't any better. We have to find the balance that works for us and them, because every second we waste learning how to better connect is a missed opportunity to cash in on precious memories. Our gentle parenting is costing us big time, but it doesn't have to.
RECIPE
- ONE SMALL ONION
- 2 SWEET PEPPERS
- 2 CLOVES DICED GARLIC
- ONE CAN OF DICED TOMATOES
- ONE POUND OF GROUND BEEF
- ONE BOX OF READY MADE LASAGNA NOODLES
- 1 JAR PREPARED SPAGHETTI SAUCE
- ONE CUP RICOTTA
- ONE CUP SOUR CREAM
- 3 BLOCKS PREFERRED CHEESE (SHREDED)
- 2TSPS OIL
- 1 TSP ITALIAN SEASONING
- 1 TSP BLACK PEPPER
- 1 TSP SALT
- 2 TSPS SUGAR
- 2 TSPS GARLIC POWDER
- 2 TBSPS BUTTER
Directions
- Heat a large skillet over medium heat and add in the oil once heated
- Heat a Dutch oven filled with salted water until boiling, add in lasagna noodles, follow package directions
- Dice onions and peppers and add to skillet. Sautee about 5 minutes
- Once translucent, add in butter and diced garlic, add to skillet
- Add ground beef to veggies and cook until golden brown, no need to drain
- Add diced tomatoes, no need to drain, simmer for 5-8 minutes
- Add in spaghetti sauce, all spices and sugar, cook for 10 minutes on medium heat
- In a separate bowl, mix together ricotta and sour cream, set aside
- Grab your favorite deep dish baking pan and line the bottom with your meat mixture
- Fill the dish with alternating layers starting with the lasagna noodles on the bottom, a layer of the ricotta sour cream mixture, meat sauce, and some of the shredded cheese, until the last layer is shredded cheese
- Bake in a 375 degree preheated oven for 30 minutes covered with foil
- Remove the foil and bake an additional 15-20 minutes
- Let cool for 30 minutes
- Slice and Serve
